Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
