she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
