Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
