did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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