So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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