i wish my penis had a tongue
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
