I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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