i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
