so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
