So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
