he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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