Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
