saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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