My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
