At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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