there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
