Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
