Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
