i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
