Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
