this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
