two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
