So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
