Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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