I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
