Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
