I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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