On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just pee around me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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