Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
