I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
