So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
