he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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