saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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