well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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