i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i've created a new STD.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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