I think I died a long time ago.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
