is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
