my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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