god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
there is glitter all over my balls
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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