remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
