I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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