Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
