There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
