he thought i was a dude.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
