I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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