I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i think i just lost a toe
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
