I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
