she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
