you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I have peed in a lot of sinks
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
