We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
